Rather
than placing blame, worrying about what other people might think,
or wanting to punish someone, consider what is the best course
of action to address the future instead of the past. Your daughter
needs your love, support and guidance now more than ever. She
knows she has made a mistake and she is already suffering the
consequences. She is feeling scared, confused and vulnerable.
You might also be feeling scared, confused and vulnerable. This
is a time when many parents feel so overwhelmed that they are
tempted to turn the responsibility for deciding how to handle
this life-changing situation over to others who they believe have
been “professionally trained.” This is the time when
your own vulnerability might cause you to make the mistake of
believing that surrendering your grandchild to adoption will solve
this “crisis.”
If
you decide to contact an adoption agency for “professional”
guidance, you should be aware that although they will claim to
be a neutral party, they are not. They represent the interests
of the adopters who are their paying customers. Adoption is a
1.4 billion-dollar per year business. Adoption agencies are in
the business of taking babies from temporarily vulnerable mothers
and then selling them to people who will pay their “service
fees.” Don’t be fooled by a “non-profit” status.
The
adoption agency will arrange for a social worker to meet with
you. This “professional” has been trained to “sympathize”
with your “crisis” situation and will encourage adoption.
The social worker will tell you that if your daughter surrenders
her baby to adoption it will give her time to grow up, get an
education, earn some money, get married and have other children
when it is more convenient for her. The social worker will not
tell you that this child is irreplaceable. The social worker will
not tell you that there are many financial and educational programs
available to help single mothers raise their children while they
pursue educational goals and become independent income earning
adults.
The
social worker will not tell you that 60% of mothers who have surrendered
a child to adoption will never have another child. That means
that you may never have another grandchild or an heir to carry
on your family name. Your grandchild and his future generations
will be carrying on a stranger’s family name instead of yours.
The
social worker will bring a packet of adoption literature to give
to you. This literature is very persuasive propaganda. As an example,
the following information is contained in the adoption literature
provided by Children’s Home Society of Minnesota. It contains
a financial worksheet that has been deliberately designed to intimidate
you into believing that your family cannot afford to raise your
grandchild. The social worker will tell you that every child deserves
two financially secure, older, married parents. The social worker
will not tell you that there is no guarantee that these older
couples will remain married, remain financially secure, or will
even remain alive long enough to raise your grandchild to adulthood.
The
social worker will tell you that these older couples will have
better parenting skills than your daughter has. The social worker
will not tell you that your daughter shares a natural parenting
bond with her own child that adopters will never have. The social
worker will not tell you that there are community sponsored classes
in parenting skills that your daughter could independently enroll
in.
The
social worker will attempt to alarm you by telling you that children
raised by young single mothers are sometimes abused and could
end up in foster care. The social worker will not tell you that
adopted children are also sometimes abused and could end up in
foster care. The social worker will not tell you that adoption
itself is emotional abuse of the child and of his natural mother.
However, there are post adoption services listed in the packet
that exist solely to deal with that indirectly acknowledged emotional
abuse.
The
social worker will tell you that there are many prospective adopters
who are waiting to provide your grandchild with more material
advantages than your daughter can provide. The social worker will
not tell you that what every baby needs and wants more than anything
else in the world is his own mother.
The
social worker will further attempt to ensnare you with the concept
of an “open” adoption. The “open” adoption
literature contains pictures of babies together with their adopters
and their natural families - presenting an image of one big happy
extended family. There are also pictures of “entrustment
ceremonies” where the baby is officially handed over to the
adopters by the natural mother. The social worker will tell you
that your daughter can “choose” the couple she will
“entrust” to adopt her baby. The social worker will
tell you that your daughter and the couple she “chooses”
can write a “cooperative agreement” to govern your daughter’s
future involvement in her own child’s life, such as visits,
phone calls, and exchanges of pictures and letters. The agreement
is not legally enforceable, but the social worker will tell you
that as part of the adoption agency’s post adoption services,
social workers will mediate any disputes that might arise after
the adoption is final and your daughter has no legal claim to
her own child. The social worker will tell you that “open”
adoption is not co-parenting, so the adopters might decide to
modify the agreement later if they feel it is in the “best
interests” of “their” child. It will be their right
to do that as the new legal parents of your grandchild.
Social
workers no longer try to convince you that your daughter will
eventually “forget about her child” and “get on
with her own life” which was their common practice in the
past. Instead, as part of their post adoption services, they offer
grief counseling for your daughter and for you. These post adoption
services are an admission that they know that your daughter will
feel intense grief that can last for years over the surrender
of her baby to adoption. They also acknowledge that you might
feel grief and remorse over the loss of your own flesh and blood
to be raised by strangers. In these counseling sessions you will
receive reinforcement for your decision to surrender your grandchild
to adoption. The adoption agency’s “trained mentors”
(other mothers and grandparents who made the same mistake of surrendering
their own family members) will assist you to join them in living
in denial by reassuring you that your decision was in everyone’s
“best interests.” Ongoing support groups are also available
because adoption agencies recognize that “adoption is a lifelong
process” for everyone. Grieving for the loss of her child
to adoption will be a lifelong process for your daughter.
Social
workers also know that growing up adopted is not the same as growing
up in a natural family. There is so much information about human
development available today that they have to acknowledge that
an adopted child will suffer emotionally from being separated
from his natural mother. Babies can only bond with their natural
mothers. The best that adopters can hope for is that a baby will
attach to them as their caregivers. Even that may not happen.
Psychologists know how important the mother/baby bonding process
is to healthy human development. You should ask yourself why that
important process doesn’t apply to infant adoption. Does
it make sense that only “planned” babies should be allowed
to bond with their own mothers? If you are concerned about this
discrimination against your grandchild’s emotional development,
the social worker will tell you that the adoption agency’s
post adoption services also offer many programs to deal with the
emotional problems that your grandchild will experience from being
forced to grow up adopted. Ongoing support groups are also available
for the adopted children into adulthood. Dealing with adoption
issues will be a lifelong process for your grandchild.
Post
adoption services also offer damage control programs for your
grandchild’s adopters who will need help dealing with their
adopted children’s problems, especially with their identity
crises. Again, ongoing support groups are available for them to
address the difficult issues that arise during the “lifelong
process of adoption.”
Finally,
in some states, such as Minnesota, post adoption services social
workers will search for the natural mother when the adopters have
closed the “open” adoption. After your grandchild reaches
adulthood, he can request a search. When your grandchild reaches
adulthood your daughter can also request a search for her “child.”
However, even if they reunite, they can never fully undo the damage
that adoption has done to both of them. They can never reclaim
all those lost years they spent apart. And, of course, there are
various fees for post adoption services.
Before
you make a decision that will forever affect the lives of your
family members, consider the hidden price that you will pay if
you decide to surrender your grandchild to adoption. At least
wait until after your grandchild is born to make this life changing
decision. When you hold him in your arms and gaze into his innocent,
trusting eyes you will see him as a real person who is a valued
member of your family, which is exactly where he belongs. He will
thank you later and so will your daughter.
The
alternative to supporting your daughter and your grandchild through
a few initial maturing years is a lifetime of grief and anger
over the traumatic loss of her child for your daughter, and a
lifetime of low self-esteem and anger at being “given away”
for your grandchild. As the parents of your daughter and the grandparents
of her baby, you have the power to spare everyone from the emotional
abuse of adoption. Use your power wisely to preserve your family
and reap the benefits for the rest of your lives, or use it unwisely
and suffer the disastrous consequences of adoption loss for the
rest of your lives.
Copyright
© 2003 Diane Turski.
Please contact Diane
if you are interested in reprinting this article.
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